I’m not someone who easily resonates with a gut feeling. When I experience one (butterflies, nausea, knots, or a drop in my stomach, etc.), I’m not always sure how to decipher it. What does it even mean? What wisdom is my body trying to tell me? Perhaps this is part of what learning to be human means.
Well, I have a gut feeling now as I write. A bit of nausea that sits low and quickens when I think the words, “How dare you.” Each time I reflect on a recent conversation, it comes back, the same sensation.
I find this interesting because I am well-versed in the “language” of emotion. It’s easier for me to understand. The body speaks through sensations, the mind chatters with objective and analytical thoughts, and emotions are its own language of feelings. In an automatic, natural state, I tend to default and sometimes overuse the ‘heart center,’ neglecting the additional power of information from the mind and body. All this to say, I’m experiencing a gut feeling, I feel grounded, and my emotions are steady.
I know I can trust this.
I trust myself to know what’s best for me.
In America, we’re seeing huge numbers of people leaving the traditions that they grew up with and making their spiritual journey their own. And it can be scary — for those on that path and for their loved ones.
I took a step back from a community about 5 years ago. What started out as a break from serving on Sundays and (then) social distancing, turned into a transformation journey.
This life shift (naturally) stirred up fear, irritation, and grief among those who love us.
My husband and I heard SO MUCH OF THIS—
“I love you, so it’s my duty to tell you…”
”Well, I care about you, so…”
”I woke up this morning, and I have a (prophetic) word for you— come back to Jesus”
“I’ll pray for you”
”We’ll pray for you”
”Just know, I’ll be praying for you”
— this is all so patronizing.
For context, we were receiving unsolicited spiritual direction (riddled with spiritual bypass), and some of it came from individuals I didn’t even talk to on a regular basis!
But this confirmed to me that these individuals were no longer authorities in my life. Because what I was seeing from the inside (of my home and with my closest friends) was truly divine work for us. Something in me recognized it. I have never experienced breakthrough like this! And it looked messy, and it was in its own time! I have the right and freedom to explore, question, and push the boundaries of what I had previously practiced and not feel “wrong’“ for doing it — this took some time.
While I know these individuals mean well, I could discern that their words lacked wisdom for my current personal, private, and sacred experience.
My mentor (who is also a therapist) explained it to me like this:
When you make a big change that affects the group system (family system, community, etc.), it’s like removing a piece from a hanging mobile. Everything becomes unbalanced, wobbly, and shaken up. Then, things begin to settle again.
That “shaken up” time was difficult to navigate.
Did I do it well? I don’t know. I’m sure yes, and no.
I take responsibility for the impact that this shift had on others, and others can take responsibility for how they feel about it.
I can have this expectation as long as I hold myself to the same standard. It’s really easy for me to blame others, and boy, did I go through a phase of pointing fingers.
Years later, as things feel settled regarding this situation, I’m joyful about how far I’ve come. I’ve never experienced freedom like this (up to this point). It requires me to take my hands off the railings and stand a little taller on my own two (wobbly) feet. To take agency for my own actions and respect myself and others, which includes standing up for myself.
So when I met with a friend I hadn’t seen in over a year, and I heard the words, “Well, this is my hope for you…” My body immediately started speaking to me. My heart pounded, and I felt trapped.
Even if I couldn’t make eye contact, I wouldn’t let myself leave without saying these words: “I know some people envision an ideal way of how people are supposed to live. I know that they see one right way of what this should look like. But I trust myself to know what’s best for me.” Looking back, I wish I had replaced “some people” and “they” with a better word because “some people” and “they” are also me — It’s “we.”
And that was the truth! I have people in place: mentors, teachers, and communities. I know that I am on the best path for this moment. This “How dare you” gut feeling was to be honored. Honor requires the respect of the other and respect for myself.
These unsolicited messages come from those who love us, yes! There is compassion for that, but they aren’t in the thick of life with us. Bigger love requires us to release our tight grip and trust others and the Divine. Talk about scary.
This prayer is a great place to start.
Serenity prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
An adaptation of the Serenity prayer that HIT for me:
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the people I cannot change,
the courage to change the one I can
and the wisdom to know that one is me.
Trusting ourselves can feel a bit lonely at first—but we’re not alone.
As I practice standing on my own two feet, I realize that only I can make decisions for myself.
Learning to trust myself can feel a bit lonely because, now, as an adult, if:
my parents and in-laws,
people who are older than me,
former and current leaders of mine,
my mentors,
my teachers,
my friends,
my favorite person in the world, my partner,
don’t truly know my next best step, then I MUST be all by myself.
No, this isn’t true. (But I can feel this way at times)
We’re supported by these individuals as we listen to the wisdom we receive when we’re still, relaxed, and in tune with our mind, heart, and body. This is presence. The Divine is with us. “Immanuel.”
We also have guidance from our mentors and teachers.
An excerpt from a Richard Rohr written mediation puts it so beautifully.
“Of course, there are many bosses, ministers, coaches, and teachers who will happily tell younger people how to “fix” their problems, so they can be “normal” again, but a true mentor guides people into their problems and through them. It feels a bit messy and wild, but also wonderful in some way. A wise mentor leads someone to their own center and to the Center… We need someone to be in solidarity with us, so we can learn what it means to be in solidarity with ourselves, and eventually with others.”
You are not alone!
So what does this ask of me?
To explore how I can loosen my tight grip on how I think things are supposed to go, for me and for other people.
To give thanks that I have a community of people who are also committed to inner work the way I am. It’s one of my favorite things to “do,” and it’s been a blast to journey together. People and communities change as we evolve, but each time, I was led to those individuals. We were led to each other. I trust that the right people at the right time will continue to show up as I keep moving along.
This asks, a little more each time, to rest in the fact that I don’t have to explain or prove myself. Ah, the “image” piece. This is always a bit tender for me. I have no control over what people think, no matter what I do— and when I think I can manipulate things to do so, I know that this is an illusion, a tactic I use to keep myself safe. So, as long as I do my best to stay aligned with one of my values, integrity, I can practice resting in knowing I did my very best and I am proud of myself, even if others don’t approve. “This is enough for me.”, I say anxiously.
It asks that I have compassion for myself and the individuals who love me. Although they may think they know what’s best and right for me— based on their OWN fear, anger, or sadness — they are limited by their own experience and knowledge to fully understand. Isn’t this all of us in some way? We never really see the whole picture.
This is a call to courage, presence, acceptance, surrender, forgiveness, and humility. While even these I cannot do on my own (but with a grace freely given to me for help), I know that there is freedom here; in the virtue of Serenity. (When I see that word, I see open hands, and in my limited perspective, it is terrifying!)
This is DIFFICULT, but if this freedom is available to me — I want it.
It is available.
Although this is all still a prayer of longing to embody these virtues at all times, I accept my humanity. I accept that there will be lapses in being present to the Divine. The Divine is always present. That’s all okay because I am beautifully human. My commitment is to always come back when I forget. To remember who I am in essence and know it is good.
I recognize that things are happening that I cannot see and that it’s all unfolding perfectly, even when things are messy, ugly, embarrassing, enraging, scary… the list goes on.
I can start with these words, and perhaps this is what my gut was trying to communicate: I am right where I’m supposed to be.
☀️ I leave you with this:
The Journey by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.